Thanksgiving is the time to fight about everything
Hello and welcome back to my newsletter. First things first, I need to get a few things off my chest. Yes, God was viciously murdered by 5G. Yes, I avenged God but refused to take their place in Heaven. We live in a godless wasteland now but I swear it is not my fault. Let’s continue to blame 5G. Thanks.
The Reality of Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving is kind of an intended misnomer like Greenland. Nobody gives thanks on Thanksgiving. Instead, you quietly eat through your mush waiting for the moment to reveal to everyone you’re a dirty-stinking pinko Communist and you actually take issue with the term pinko.
Grandpa gets up and shows you his “THE GUN I’M HOLDING IN THE HAND CONNECTED TO THIS ARM ON WHICH THIS TATTOO IS KILLS DIRTY-STINKING PINKO COMMUNISTS.” Grandpa’s got long arms.
Your dad tells grandpa to calm down, times have changed, it’s not like things were back in the old country.
Grandma sobs, mutters things in a language you are too ungrateful to ever learn because she refused to learn American because she never wanted to live there in the first place. You often feel bad about the valley between you and your grandma, you will never speak more than two sentences to her: the one sentence she knows in English (“stop touching my leg.") and the one sentence you know in ****** ("I had a lot of fun in Hawaii.”). She’s a beautiful person with much to say but the chasm is too wide, you are too committed to Maoist principles, and she is too committed to crying at the dinner table. You will die with this guilt of knowing of your grandma rather than knowing your grandma.
Your brother a real smart-ass, starts to shit talk Juche, saying it isn’t real communism and goes on and on. You smack him down saying, “You wouldn’t know real communism if it came to your house and took everything you earned away and killed all of your family.” The table sits in silence. The gravy is hardening. Your weird uncle is giving the bottle of port wine a blowjob. You start to question your beliefs. Maybe being dedicated to Communism isn’t so bad but maybe such a radical and uncompromising position is actually harmful to enjoying anything. Maybe you should just slop down this turkey and shut the fuck up for once.
Mom is vacuuming. Everyone lifts their feet dutifully when the vacuum comes within their stink-lines.
Grandpa stands up, “Even if you are a dirty-stinking pinko communist, you are my family and I love you.” You imagine that. Grandpa can’t stand up. His lower half is slug-man and he secretes goo. Grandma sobs. The old country was in space and America is too weird. The chasm remains. Nobody is thankful for anything. A tumbleweed blows by and kills your pet tarantula. The turkey is dry. You break your jaw. Happy Thanksgiving.
Happenings!
The Ghoulish show will be on 11/29/2022 at Radio Coffee & Beer in Austin, TX. It’s a great lineup. Don’t believe me? Look here.
Kelby Losack
RJ Joseph
Ryan C. Bradley
Michael Louis Dixon
Lucas Mangum
Andrew Hilbert
John Baltisberger
…and as always, hosted by Max Booth. It’s always a fun, spooky time so I hope to see one million people there. Here’s the facebook link.
Dreamcast 2 Shirt
My dearest friend sent the Ghoulish Discord (join, it’s awesome) this lovely picture of the Dreamcast 2 t-shirt. You should own one, too. It’s on sale right now. Click click click to purchase one!