Do not eat wasabi when you have strep throat

It tickles, it hurts, and then you cry

It wasn’t straight up wasabi. Though I’d love to, I wouldn’t swallow glops of that on its own. It was wasabi soy almonds from HEB. Not extremely spicy but enough to irritate the bacterial colonies growing on my tonsils. Just a few weeks ago, I had a physical and the doctor stuck his fingers in my mouth and shined his dinky little light in my throat and said, “Wow, you have huge tonsils.” I was confused by his tone. There was too much arousal but I set it aside because this doc was not saying anything I didn’t know. If he told me my tonsils were sexy, then I’d have reason to feel uncomfy.

Yeah, I know they’re huge, Doc. At night they get real dry and irritated and my uvula can rest on my tongue. It’s a real problem. A problem I wished I knew how to articulate in my young age because maybe I would have had them fuckers taken out. I’d wake up screaming that I couldn’t breathe and I’d struggle to swallow.

Now, there I was in my room throwing down wasabi almonds… not a care in the world. Catching up on movies I hadn’t seen yet. Barbarian - very good. Before Mickey Mouse - interesting stuff for people interested in cartoons. Drive My Car - very good. I started coughing. Coughing is not a normal symptom of strep throat. It can happen but it doesn’t have to happen. I wasn’t coughing prior to the almonds. The flecky powder shit got stuck my tonsils and uvula - the whole goddamn throat - and irritated the hell out of it. Water did little because water with strep does little. I would have to suffer this annoyance to its end. I cried.

Drive My Car produced a pretty good strep-dream. It picks up a few years after the movie ends and the young woman is still taking pretty good care of this car. Something happens where she has to get a driver (the dream was unclear) and it was somebody who had no business being behind the wheel of a prized vehicle. This lady was ninety-some years old, had to sit on a booster seat to just barely see over the wheel. Times are tough and the first thing this old lady does is reverse right into a concrete wall. It fucks the car up. And then the dream keeps going with more and more fuck ups. Drive My Car 2 was not great. It was a cash-in buddy comedy.

When I was a kid, I had a recurring dream wherein I was walking through my house and it would be completely empty. I would get to a room and a little blonde-haired girl would be blowing up a balloon. As soon as she’d stop I would wake up choking. It was terrifying and I would have this dream often. I blame the tonsils. Take ‘em out.

John Waters Christmas

We went to see John Waters at the Paramount Theater in Austin. What a delight. I didn’t know what to expect but it was basically an hour long stand up routine. John Waters is a national treasure. During the set a fight broke out near us but it seemed to resolve itself. I couldn’t help but build a narrative that it was a group of people offended by whatever he was saying on stage. It probably wasn’t. “You have to make fun of what you believe, too.” Quote of the night. Amen, John Waters.

I haven’t read his latest book but I plan to! But if you haven’t read Carsick or Role Models, you’re missing out. I was on Miguel’s podcast, My Horror Confessional, earlier in the year to discuss Serial Mom and I remember thinking, “John Waters critiques culture from a place of love, not of judgement.” And I think that makes all the difference in to how he comes across compared to other satirists, comedians, writers, whatevers. He makes fun of what he loves as much as what he doesn’t and there seems to be a deep understanding of basic humanity that John Waters applies across the board without judgement or disdain. I appreciate that. King of filth forever!

XCRMNTMNTN

I’ve received the edits from Max and Lori at Ghoulish Books and I am currently screaming at them on the phone telling them they do not understand my genius. Of course I meant to spell that wrong! Of course I think the poop joke belongs! It says something about humanity, man.

In reality, all of their suggestions are correct and I should be finished with them in a few days. I’m very excited about this book. It has a very dumb-sounding concept but I think it is the best thing I’ve written hands down. Hands up, even.

Okay.

Look, there’s nothing new to report. I’ve been on my ass for a few days and I’ve gone crazy. I’m reading Clint Margrave’s Visitor collection which I just got in the mail a few days ago. Go buy it.